


and starry eyed

by foggynelson



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: M/M, Warning: Mentions of abuse, also minor internalized homophobia, but i mean still this is like mostly fluff bc like, happy jimon is the best jimon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-22
Updated: 2016-12-22
Packaged: 2018-09-11 04:55:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,423
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8954491
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/foggynelson/pseuds/foggynelson
Summary: Simon Lewis, the biggest pansexual there is, comes out to his friends and family. All of whom are happy and excited and proud. All except Jace Lightwood. Jace, who instead ignores Simon for days. Jace, who Simon also happens to be in love with. Oops.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [respira](https://archiveofourown.org/users/respira/gifts).



> Beta'd by [gayclaryfray](http://gayclaryfray.tumblr.com/) of the Shadowhunters Beta Net.

Like, okay. Simon understands that, really, not talking to someone for five days isn’t exactly a _huge_ deal. It’s five days. Not even a full week. Simon’s gone that long without talking to Clary once before (of course, she was traveling in Europe and they were seven and didn't have cell phones back then). But Simon’s never gone this long without talking to Jace. The most they’ve gone is one day. That’s it. Until now.

Granted, Simon’s talked to him. Or more like, talked at him. Sent him texts, said hi to him in the hallway, but Simon’s gotten no replies back. They’ve been friends since they were nine and Simon never thought they’d be apart. By the time they turned ten, Simon decided he no longer wanted to marry Clary and wanted to marry Jace instead. Simon didn’t realize at the time what that meant - only knowing that Jace was the most important person in his life and he never wanted to lose him.

At this point, though, Simon knows what this is. Knows what it means to want to marry your best friend. It’s not friendship. It’s more and, well, Simon doesn’t know when things switched from friendship to love - he wonders if there ever was a switch, or if Simon was always partially in love with Jace. 

All of this led to six days ago. Six days ago when Simon “came out” to his friends. 

Things had gone really well his family. His sister, a lesbian, smiled and said, “How dare you copy me!” His mother hugged him and said, “I should have known that I, a bisexual, couldn’t have given birth to any straight kids.” That comment lead to a whole other discussion. Since when was his mother bisexual? But anyway. His mother and sister told him they love him and accept him, of course.

Out of his friends, Clary was the first he told. He knew she would be safe. She had come out two months previous. It was cute. She simply came up to Simon one day and said, “I think I’m in love with Isabelle Lightwood.” And that was that. A month later they were dating. It was sweet and pure and Simon loves them both so much.

Clary was so good and accepting and grabbed hold of Simon’s shaking hands as he said, “I’m pansexual.” 

Clary kissed him on the cheek and said, “This is great. I really don’t want any straight friends.”

“Yeah, I guess that leaves just Jace as our token straight friend,” Simon replied with a sad laugh. 

Simon made his way through his friend group, telling everyone. Of course, everyone was okay with it. Granted, all Alec said was, “Okay,” but considering his relationship with Alec, any response was good.

Raphael laughed when he told him, which scared Simon at first. “Sorry,” Raphael managed to say. “I’m not laughing at you it’s… Of course you’re not straight. I’ve seen the way you look at me. And I get it. I’m hot.”

Magnus teared up at the news. He pulled him into a hug and said, “I am so proud of you, you beautiful flower.”

“Flower?”

“Yes,” Magnus said, offering no further explanation. Simon took it.

Simon put off telling Jace. Simon told himself it was just because Jace was straight and, out of everyone, could have the most negative reaction. And yeah, that was a small part, but… More than anything, Simon was afraid because he loved Jace. Simon was in love with Jace. Which was stupid. Because Jace is straight and Simon should have a crush on someone like Meliorn who could actually like him back. Instead. Nope. Jace fucking Lightwood it is.

And Simon told him, his hands shaking again as the words, “I’m pansexual,” leave his lips. And Jace… Jace did nothing. He looked at Simon and looked at him. Simon’s never been that great at reading facial expressions and he definitely couldn’t read Jace’s now. 

“Oh, okay. Well… cool,” Jace finally said. He nodded and then walked off and Simon hasn’t heard from him since.

Simon doesn’t technically know that the reason Jace isn’t talking to him is because Simon’s pansexual, but… it’s not a far leap. Which sucks, but also makes no sense? Because, really, none of their friends are straight - Meliorn is pan, too, Jace himself is trans… Simon doesn’t get it. He doesn’t get it at all.

He’s tried to ask Isabelle about it, but she doesn't know what’s going on. He’s tried Alec, too, but Alec shrugs his shoulders and says nothing. Not that Simon honestly expected more, but… Simon’s scared and he needs someone to just fucking tell him what’s going on.  


* * *

  
It’s Thursday night, which means it’s dinner at the Fray-Garroway house. It’s been a tradition ever since Simon’s dad died. They’ve missed weeks here and there, sometimes they’ll come over to Simon’s instead, or sometimes all of Simon’s family will come, but Thursday nights are almost always spent with Clary, Luke, and Jocelyn. 

The house is a warm escape from the cold outside. Simon comes in without knocking, announcing his presence with a loud, “The pan is here!” 

“What are you talking about? You brought a pan?” Jocelyn asks when Simon walks into the main room, hugging him and kissing him on the cheek.

Simon turns to Clary and says, “You didn’t tell them?”

“I didn’t think it was my place to. I thought you’d want to.”

“Well, sure, but now my funny entrance isn’t funny.” Simon sighs. He turns to Jocelyn and Luke and says, “Hi, I’m Simon Lewis and I’m pansexual.”

“Oh,” Jocelyn says, laughing, “I get it now.” 

“That’s fantastic, Simon,” Luke says, giving him a hug. Simon smiles.

“Also, did you know my mom is bisexual? Are there any straight people out there anymore?”

“God, I hope not,” Luke replies with a smile. 

Jocelyn gives Luke a look and then says, “We did know about your mom. Sometimes we’d get together with her and Alaric and all talk about how bi we are.”

“You did not,” Simon says. “No fucking way.” Simon realizes he just swore in front of his other parents and he starts to blush.

“Yes fucking way,” Luke says with a grin. 

“Anyway,” Clary says. “Not that I don’t love that my parents aren’t straight and not that I don’t love you talking about how bi you are, but I’m starving.”

“Chicken cacciatore?” Simon asks.

“Naturally.” Jocelyn smiles.  


* * *

  
Dinner ends and Jocelyn and Clary go off into the art studio and work on something. Which leaves Simon and Luke. Luke makes the two of them coffee and they settle in the living room. Luke asks about school and Simon asks about work and it’s nice and relaxed and Simon feels good. Until:

“Did you come out to all your friends?” Luke asks.

“Yeah, I did.”

“How did that go?”

“Really well,” Simon replies. “Except…” Simon hesitates.

“Except?”

“Jace. He hasn’t talked to me since I told him and I don’t know what to do. Like, everyone we’re friends with isn’t straight so I don’t know why me being pan is a big deal to him? I don’t know. He’s my best friend and I think he hates me now.”

“I’m sorry. That must be really hard. Sometimes, though, people react a certain way for reasons that have nothing to do with you. There could be so much more going on than what it seems.”

“Yeah, I guess,” Simon sighs. “I just want to get my friend back but I don’t know how. I’ve tried talking to him, but he won’t say anything back to me.”

“Keep trying. Until he tells you not to, keep trying. I think Jace is one of those people that needs to know someone isn’t going to just give up on him.”

“Of course I’m not going to. I love him,” Simon says with the same sincerity Leia had when she first told Han she loved him. Because he does. He really, really does.

“I know,” Luke replies with a nod. “Make sure he knows that, too.”  


* * *

  
Simon asks Isabelle to ask Jace to meet her for lunch. Only, Isabelle isn’t going to show up and Simon is. Of course, Jace will have every ability to leave and not talk to Simon, but Simon feels like this may at least give him a chance. 

When Simon shows up at the restaurant, Jace is already there, sitting at a table in the back. Simon walks slowly, his hands shaking, his heart racing. He tries to tell himself that everything will be okay, but he doesn’t believe it.

Jace doesn’t seem to notice Simon as he sits down across from him. Jace looks up at him and his facial expression changes and Simon almost thinks it’s fear, but he’s not totally sure. 

“Hey,” Simon says, his voice stronger than he thought it would be.

“Hey, um, I’m actually waiting for Isabelle, so I can’t really talk now.” Simon’s breath hitches in his throat when Jace speaks. It has nothing to do with what Jace is saying, but rather just that Jace is saying something to him. Simon hates how emotional he’s getting over this, but he can’t stop himself.

“She’s not coming. This was a set up to get you to talk to me. Which, I mean, you did just say the first thing you’ve said to me in a week, so I guess it worked.”

“I…” Jace starts, but it doesn’t go anywhere past that. 

“I don’t know what’s going on with you,” Simon starts, this time his voice weaker, shaky. “I don’t know if you have your own stuff going on or if you just hate me or what but--”

“Hate you?” Jace replies. “How could I ever hate you?”

“I don’t know, Jace, but you’ve ignored me for a week so it’s not like I’m pulling this out of nowhere.”

“Yeah, that’s, um… It’s just…” Jace pauses, takes in a deep breath. “You’re right. I have my own stuff going on, and it just kind of made me shut down. I’m sorry.”

“What’s going on? I’m your best friend. You should be able to tell me these things.” Simon puts as much softness as he can in his voice as he speaks. He wants to reach out and touch Jace, but he holds back, unsure how the other would react.

“This gonna sound so stupid, but… I don’t know, I don’t want to get super into stuff, but you know how I don’t like to talk about my time before I lived with the Lightwoods?” Simon nods. “Well, things were really bad before then. There was a lot of yelling and hitting. One time I told my ‘father’ that I wasn’t a girl and he beat me so I hard I ended up in the hospital, so.” Jace stops, swallowing the lump in his throat.

“Eventually it was stuff like that that got me relocated to the Lightwoods. And then there was Alec, who was also trans, and his parents were, well, not the best, but at least they didn’t attack him for it. So I slowly thought… Okay. Yeah. I am a boy. And at this point you were in my life, and you know how all of that went down.”

“Yeah, I remember when you first told me. You were so scared. We were, what, eleven then?”

“Yep. Eleven. And like, I know I’m trans. I know I’m a boy. I know that. But sometimes I think about it, and I can feel his hands around my throat and I can’t breathe and I wonder… What if I am a girl? What if I was wrong all along? And I’m not, I know that, but the thoughts still creep up and then…” Jace stops. Simon watches him and sees his hands shaking. Jace looks down and Simon can hear his breathing, his breath sharp and loud.

“I’ve never said this to anyone. Not Iz, not Alec. I’ve said it aloud a few times to myself, but each time I say it, it’s hard to breathe. So, just give me a moment, okay? I just need a second before I can say it.”

“Yeah, of course,” Simon replies. Simon’s heart aches as he looks at Jace. He knew things has been bad in his old home, but never had known just how bad. Simon wants nothing more than to reach over and hug Jace and hold him and protect him from everything. Simon’s not talented enough for that, but it’s all he wants.

Jace doesn’t look up and just continues to breathe rapidly. Simon waits and waits and he doesn’t mind waiting because it’s Jace and Simon would wait for him forever. Only, Simon in general is rather impatient and he’s curious and wants to know what Jace has to say. He’s not angry or upset that it’s taking Jace so long - he totally understands - just…

“I’m gay.” 

The words are spoken and it takes Simon a moment before he actually hears them, actually realizes what they mean. Before Simon can say anything, Jace is talking again, saying, “There was a lot of homophobic stuff with him, too, and basically I told myself that I may be a dude but a gay dude? No way. I couldn’t be. And I’ve pushed it down for so long, Simon. So long. I honestly barely even thought about it until…” Jace takes a deep breath. “Until you came out and I realized how much I love you and… This is so stupid. I feel like such an idiot.”

“You’re not,” Simon says, reaching over and touching Jace on the shoulder. “I get it. Like, it’s not the same on any level, but I do understand what it’s like to question yourself and to try and be someone you’re not and it’s hard and I’m sorry that you felt like you needed to hide this from everyone. I love you, Jace. I love everything about you. I love who you are in every way, okay? Everyone else does, too. We all love you.”

“I love you,” Jace whispers. “More than I’ve loved anyone before.”

Simon smiles, unsure of what to say. He slides his hand down Jace’s arm and laces their fingers together. “I love you, too. More than anything.”

“I’m sorry about freaking out on you and not talking. I shouldn’t have done that.”

“Yeah, it really sucked. But I understand.”

“Still love me?” Jace replies with a smirk.

“Always.”

**Author's Note:**

> Ah, thank you so much for reading and, like, please comment and everything that would be !! Way cool.


End file.
